short.

laying in the grass outside my apartment, my neighbors walk by and stare. I have my ear buds in, but I’m not listening to anything, I couldn’t make a decision. Lately, I don’t know how to make any decisions, simple or complicated. As these strangers walk by, I just close my eyes, feeling their stares, glares, wondering why some random girl is lying in the grass outside their place of living. I tune them out, I focus on the feel of the grass, how soft it is, the smells, the sun shining down on my face, and I just try to relish in the fact that I am still here. I reminisce back to summer time, when I met the love of my life. We all have that one love, I found that one love; I may be young, may be naive if you chose to think so, but I know that it was real. I also know, I messed it all up because I was scared and depressed, but he was the only one who was able to save me. He saved me from myself. 

I might not always seem serious,

maybe thats my problem

I dont take everything seriously all the time

So when I find a guy I like

I dont fully let them know how much I care

Or how much I think I do

I let them just assume its whatever

So they never know how much it hurts

When I hear that Im just “fun”

and thats all.

The saddest part in this whole mess is I’m always gonna care, no matter the differences between us. I’m always going to care about you💔

It’s not that I want to be with anybody
Or that I want to find comfort in a strangers arms
Or even that I’m completely lonely.
It could be you,
Everything you are
And how I fit perfectly in your arms
And how you’re on my mind
Almost all the time
I feel like this is something different.
I found what I was looking for
When I wasn’t even looking for it.

You know,

There’s this thing I do…and thats get attached. No I don’t mean in relationships necessarily, more like friendships. If I meet someone and they seem like I can trust them, it’s always easy to tell. I’m rarely wrong, but then I find one person every once in a while and I just want to open up so badly and I try but no matter what, it doesn’t go right. If I want to open up to you, and be close, and be friends, you should feel special. Because it take a lot of courage for me to do.

I havent written anything in a while

A lot in my life has changed, in my thinking, in my outlook, as a whole, I am trying to change. I am trying not to be so needy, I am trying not to want to be wanted. I hate that that is what I want, that in my bones, I just want someone to look at me and see someone that is worthy of their love. I am trying to KNOW that I am worthy of someones love, I just havent found that person yet, that one day I will find that person. I am not quite sure why I want to be loved so desperately, maybe it has to do with my dad not being around, you know, “daddy issues” but Im not sure thats why. I just am a girl, who is like any other girl, that wants to find a boy…to love her. Why is it so difficult to find?

Today

I sadly came to the realization
That I’m not the girl that I wanna be
I’m not the girl guys want to be with
To stay with, the one they want
I’m just the girl guys want temporarily
So they can build my trust
And get in my pants and then tear out my heart…
Like it didn’t even matter
I’m not the girl I wish I was
I trust to easy, always too much
Only to be screwed and left
I’m nothing special.

I just want

Someone to hug me
Tell me everything will be alright
Someone to be there for me through everything
And want me back
Love me back
As much as I’d love them,
With all my heart
This is all I want…

For once I just want to be the one that’s wanted…

I hope to one day cook as well as my Momma<3