LONER

Lately I feel like I have no friends anymore, that I wish I was more social and able to make fiends easier. Cause the ones I have I rarely see, and they don’t even ask to see me when they are near me anymore. I’m always the one to have to ask or call or text. And it really sucks, it hurts really. I worry about one of them daily because she is making a horrible decision on who she hangs out with, even though I know I d have no say I wish I could just MAKE her listen to me. It hurts that she doesn’t, because this isn’t just an “I don’t like him so you can’t like him” kind of thing, this is an “he is know for abusing the girls he “likes” and acts like a huge douche bag” kind of things. It scares me and hurts me and I think about it all the time, I mostly think it hurts so much because she’s trusting someone like him over me, the one person who hasn’t and never will lie to her….I guess I just don’t know what to do. I miss my friends, I miss being able to have them around all the time and I guess I just feel like I’m being forgotten, it’s felt this way for a while now, I’ve had horrible thoughts/attempts over it. Because I just feel so alone most of the time, and it’s getting so much worse.

So here’s to having no friends :(

I might not always seem serious,

maybe thats my problem

I dont take everything seriously all the time

So when I find a guy I like

I dont fully let them know how much I care

Or how much I think I do

I let them just assume its whatever

So they never know how much it hurts

When I hear that Im just “fun”

and thats all.

I just want

Someone to hug me
Tell me everything will be alright
Someone to be there for me through everything
And want me back
Love me back
As much as I’d love them,
With all my heart
This is all I want…

One word can lead to a road of confusion

These thoughts keep swirling

Swirling in my head

Heading in the direction I know they shouldnt go

Going to a place where my feelings will start to show

Showing you how they really feel

Feeling good and whole, making a mistake

Mistaking playful words for sincerity 

Sincerely mistaking these swirling thoughts

Going towards feeling that can truly cost

Heading to a point of no return

When my heart wont listen to my head

And my head loses all control.

The last time.

Her fingers gently trail across his stomach in a pattern, she likes the way his skin is so soft and the difference in feeling when she goes over his happy trail. She likes the broadness of his chest and the way his abs are defined, she can see the goosebumps shes leaving as she does it. So she lays her head on his chest and she listens to his heart beat, maybe for the last time in a long time, the strong beats relax her and calm her. She knows how much she is going to miss this, laying in bed by his side and listening to his heartbeat. Having that comforting feeling that she can come back to him the next day, waking up beside him from the kisses he plants all over her face. Knowing that everything was gonna be okay, because he was there…and tomorrow he would not be there. He’d be gone, miles away, too far away for her to touch and kiss. She already missed him, she felt his hand trailing up and down her spine, sending shivers through her body. He lowered his head to kiss her lips as she stared up at him with tears in her eyes and he whispered, “its okay to cry.”

short.

laying in the grass outside my apartment, my neighbors walk by and stare. I have my ear buds in, but I’m not listening to anything, I couldn’t make a decision. Lately, I don’t know how to make any decisions, simple or complicated. As these strangers walk by, I just close my eyes, feeling their stares, glares, wondering why some random girl is lying in the grass outside their place of living. I tune them out, I focus on the feel of the grass, how soft it is, the smells, the sun shining down on my face, and I just try to relish in the fact that I am still here. I reminisce back to summer time, when I met the love of my life. We all have that one love, I found that one love; I may be young, may be naive if you chose to think so, but I know that it was real. I also know, I messed it all up because I was scared and depressed, but he was the only one who was able to save me. He saved me from myself. 

Today

I sadly came to the realization
That I’m not the girl that I wanna be
I’m not the girl guys want to be with
To stay with, the one they want
I’m just the girl guys want temporarily
So they can build my trust
And get in my pants and then tear out my heart…
Like it didn’t even matter
I’m not the girl I wish I was
I trust to easy, always too much
Only to be screwed and left
I’m nothing special.

In my dreams

Tonight something has changed
In the way I feel about you
It’s in my dreams
Of all the things we could do
Skin to skin
My lips just barely touching your flesh
My breath teasing you
Against your most sensitive spots
Your touch giving me chills
Making me anticipate
Kisses up my neck
I want your hands all over me
Tonight
Every single night
I want you.

My heart raced..

The last time I saw you was a year ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. And now, seeing you again and seeing that you look almost just the same, my heart raced. Not because I missed you, no that couldnt be it…it was because when we made eye contact, you looked away. You didnt even acknowledge my presence after all the crap we had went through. I knew in that instant I meant nothing to you, not even worthy of a “hi, how are you?” not even a wave? Awkward smile? Nothing?  Okay, I can deal with that because I dont need you, I dont need your love anymore than I need a shark in my room. Yea, ha, seems like the joke is on you…

But the truth is, my heart raced, because I remembered all our good times. In one instant the full 7 months we had together flooded my mind and filled my thoughts and made me confused. Seeing you made me realize Im not as strong with out you as I had thought before. The memories you left me with are still en-grained in my heart and my mind, even though I thought they had been erased over time.

Far away

I feel your prescence all around me, yet you are far away

I hear your whisper in my ear, sweet nothings, and you are nowhere near I.

I can almost feel the heat of your touch burning up my skin, but I know I wont feel it for months

Those months will feel like years.

I have not yet had the pleasure of your touch, the feel of your skin on my own, the closeness only bodies can feel create

But I have felt you through my heart, as only I can do for now.

I wish every night to hear your voice through the phone speaker,

Your voice even gives me chills, I think of the things that I would do

If only you were here.